My friend, good morning. Is it not a fine day? By the way you approach me with a purpose in your eyes and a slight hesitation in your step, I assume both I and my services are not unknown to you, although I have not had the pleasure of your acquaintance.
Please, take the empty seat by me, we are in no rush and we should make the most of this rare sunshine. Would you would like a cigarette? Ah, by the way you flinch I see this is not one of your vices. Alas, despite the warnings and the array of other less harmful pleasures at my disposal, this is one I can't seem to shake.
Perhaps you have heard of me from another of my clients, a friend of yours perhaps? You shake your head. No, you are right. If a friend had passed on my recommendation, you would not be so nervous.
Please, be at ease. I am not a member of that fine establishment, the police, nor a member of that other fine establishment, the press. I pass no judgment on my clients, and am but here to serve and please.
Perhaps you are in a hurry, your shoulders have not eased, despite your acceptance of my offer to sit.
And so, to business.
What is your pleasure? I have a number of drugs and drinks, although I see by your healthy and fit appearance that it is unlikely that this is what you're after, unless you are seeking to try something new? Ah, you flinch again. I commend you; to imbibe in such poisons is not a pass time I would recommend, although thankfully for my business, others disagree.
Perhaps you have certain sexual desires that you would like to satiate? Again, I see you recoil at my suggestion, and I see by the ring on your finger that you are married, although this has not prevented some of my other, less moral clients from procuring my services.
Perhaps you have heard of my more specialised line of products? Yes, I see some of the tension has left you, and a smile is now hovering on your lips. Of course, these areas are a relatively new business for me, although the last year or so has seen them burgeon, bringing me new clients, a different class of clients to those I normally have the pleasure of meeting.
May I ask, is your pleasure the feel of the finely bound book? Again, a shake of the head. My dear friend, I normally am so good at finding the right vice for my clients, but you are that rare thing, a client who holds their pleasures close to them. I see in your coat pocket the outline of a tablet or an e-reader, although this doesn't of course mean that you do not like to also read books in their paper form, and this service I offer is doing particularly well.
By my wandering process of elimination, I can but assume you wish to either buy video games from me, or TV boxsets. Yes, I see. My apologies, I should have noticed the signs earlier, but the warmth of the sunshine has affected my usually sharp perceptiveness. I beg your forgiveness, but now I notice the slightly crumpled nature of your clothes, the way you squint in the weak sunshine, the pale tinge to your skin, the shadows around your eyes and the bloodshot look, no doubt caused by numerous late nights and long stints in front of a screen.
And so, is it a video game or a box set that you seek? You still give nothing away, which would make me think you were a seasoned gamer, adept at keeping your emotions at bay, rational in the face of pressure! But no, you are on edge, my friend, and do not have the presence of someone who merely seeks a new adventure on which to embark.
Rather, I would deduce that you have just finished a season, a season with a cruel cliffhanger no doubt, and are desperate to continue the story, to begin the next chapter.
And there, you have inched closer to me. Yes, I can help put you at ease. This is a vice I have not indulged in, myself. I have seen what it has done to some of my clients, and I fear the allure of it. I have seen what it has done to their conversation, to their health, to their social lives. Of all the ways I serve my clients, this is indeed the one I fear the most.
But please, allow me to run through my collection. I shall torture you through my time-wasting no longer.
I have all seven seasons of Dexter, the first two of Game of Thrones, all five of Breaking Bad and Mad Men. The three of Downtown Abbey, perhaps, or The Walking Dead. Homeland, The Killing, Boardwalk Empire? Also, the older ones for those late to the game and eager to catch up - The Wire, Prison Break, The Sopranos, Lost, 24.
"Just gimme the stuff, yo! Quit wastin' my time, bitch!"
...Breaking Bad it is, my friend.
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